Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
