Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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