1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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