My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
