I have demons in me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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