I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How does one acquire holy water?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
