Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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