Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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