she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
