I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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