I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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