cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
