Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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