either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
