i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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