the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
