Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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