I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
