thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think im going to throw up on grandma
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm always down for nudity.
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