life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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