i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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