Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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