your thong is hanging out like whoa
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
