I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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