Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
These tits shall not be calmed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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