At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
