New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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