This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
