We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
