We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How does one acquire holy water?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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