the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
