rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
