I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
