I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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