Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In America we eat man semen.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
