True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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