I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
