Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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