I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
