I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize