ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
