Pants 0. Shit 1.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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