dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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