Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
