i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
