I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
