you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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