I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
