nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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