I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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