tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
