It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
