Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
