u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
