We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
