Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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