if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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