never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
