He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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