you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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