good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
