he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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