Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
