the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
