I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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