My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
