im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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