Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
His nipple licking is glorious
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