Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
